hardest thing to learn during recovery is….. some of your misery is your own fault. you have to actively choose to stop wallowing in your own pain & start to recover. that means stop being self deprecating, start taking care of yourself, start eating healthy, start taking your hygiene seriously, even if it’s hard. & it is hard! but you must.
People
often excuse themselves for habitually doing things they know are wrong,
by claiming that the bad things they do are in conflict with the person
that they
are “deep down”. Some people also minimize the good things they
habitually do and see themselves as tainted and
inherently bad, even when they choose again and again to do right and make amends when they fail.
But
each time you make a choice, you are deciding what kind of person to
be.
If you choose to control another person and deny them autonomy, for
instance, you are choosing to be an abuser, even if “deep down” you have
excuses, justifications, and a belief that this choice is an exception
to your “real” personality. Alternatively, if you consistently choose to
treat others with respect and care, you are choosing to be a respectful
and caring person, even if “deep down” you feel like nothing you do is
good enough.
Each choice you make adds to the pattern of
who you are; you can change the pattern, but it requires sustained
effort or it will only be a blip in your life.
You will never be
perfect or irredeemable. The best, kindest people you know have done or
said cruel, thoughtless, or bigoted things. The worst,
most vicious people you can think of have had moments of kindness and
goodness and selflessness. All of us have habits, ideas, ways of speaking that uplift
people, and others that harm people. With active work, we can identify
these patterns and alter them to make ourselves the kind of people we want to be.
There will always be times when
what’s right isn’t clear, or when we fail to live up to our ideals.
That’s part of being human. But you can’t insist that people
measure who you are as a person by your internal feelings and your
excuses – your
actual actions, your choices about how you interact with others and with
the
world around you, are the part of yourself that is most visible and most
relevant to others.
The people who love you because you are
consistently kind and supportive and respectful are trusting your
consistent actions. Even if you sometimes feel like lashing out, each
time you choose instead to behave kindly you are actively being the kind
of person who is worthy of that trust..
If you do or say things that are abusive, or
racist, or misogynistic or transphobic or homophobic or what have you, you are making choices that
hurt people; you are the kind of person who hurts people. If you do the
work to learn how to start making different choices, you will start to
become a different person. However, you cannot demand to be treated as someone
who doesn’t hurt people without first doing the work to actually stop.
That
starts by recognizing that others are far more affected by your actions
than your intentions, and that while intent may explain how you
made the choices you did, it can never excuse, negate, or erase them. The only
thing you can do is put in the work to start making better choices and building a new pattern of behaviour.
It’s all about actions. What you think or feel or wish will never carry as much weight as the things you actually choose to do.
when my dad’s been an bitch he ‘apologizes’ by bringing me coffee in the morning, and i respond by letting it get cold & gross & accumulate for days. the most cups i’ve gotten in a row before he cleans them up is 4
i don’t like coffee
Also… i wasnt gonna interact with this post, but I looked at the notes (And the last tags Gaud put here) and… ya that’s not how you apologize. You apologize with words not by buying someone’s forgiveness with coffee. This is not an apology. It’s a guilt trip. It’s a “see you can’t be mad at me I do things for you”. this is the kind of behaviour that made me distrust my mother.
And to expend on the tags: I have parents who never actually paid attention to how my taste in things changed as I grew up. As a result they still tease/bully me over things I used to do as a kid. How I was picky as a kid and they never noticed when I started to actually eat a variety of things. I’m pretty sure they still think I don’t like sauce on my spaghetti or that I’ll only eat very specific cuts of meat, or that I still don’t eat broccoli. I’m pretty sure that they forgot that I told them that I’m queer and I litterally told them this summer. So ya… miss me with the “I’m sorry for your dad” shit.
Sorry gaud for highjacking your simple post. It just hit kinda close to home and seeing people try to make it seem like you’re being too petty really got to me.
all of this
I THOUGHT THIS WAS NORMAL??
I literally thought that parents always do this and that everyone just never talks about it…
Unfortunately a lot of parents do it, but it’s a form of emotional abuse and definitely shouldn’t be allowed to pass for normal. Parents make mistakes because they are people. But children are also people, and they deserve to have it acknowledged when they have been hurt or treated unfairly.
It is extremely important for adults to apologize to kids. Don’t let kids grow up thinking that this just how the world works.
this is the karpati mutation! there’s not a lot known about it, but we do know that it’s a dominant trait and most likely temperature sensitive. kittens are born white and get darker as they get older, and they can have this pattern show up on any coat colouration! so you can have tabby or tortie or red karpatis. it’s pretty cool.
This cat looks like something out of a magical realm where animals can talk like humans.
this looks like a cat drawn by someone who’s very lenient on what ‘white marks’ on a cat means
Goat cat. A Ghat.
danni | she/they/he
| DOB 3/31/94 |
| portland, OR |
mixed-multiple system fictionkin/otherkin
